she can’t hear me

They say with grief comes the guilt

the want to turn back time

to have another chance

to try again

my rational mind abides in

it is what it is

life goes on

one heart stops

others keep beating

care for the living

the dead need releasing

but my heart holds on

aching with longing

to make it right

to say something, anything

that might have been understood

as loving and kind and granting of peace

but I am here

on this side of life

cradling the tears

where no matter how loudly I scream

she can’t hear me

 
 

the scattered life collective

WordPress is giving me all manner of frustration this morning. For the second time in a week, I am considering changing platforms.Therefore, this Friday, I present you the short and sweet version of The Scattered Life Collective because life is too short to get caught up in frustration. This practice of reviewing, reflecting, and remembering my week and offering a space for others to join me has always been about honoring energy. There are no set rules, no specific format. Make up your own rules. Change them next week. Go with the flow.

Scattered Life CollectiveI

On Monday, I stated that I wanted to read more this week. It hasn’t happened. Though I am making progress, working on certain things, still my time seems a separate part of my life. I told my husband that I don’t feel like I have control of my time. Sure, it’s busy. Sure, we have a lot of projects going on at the same time. But it almost seems like I am in a fog and not completely sure what I am doing during the day. I can’t keep blaming everything on grief … or can I? Be gentle with yourself. That is certainly what I would tell anyone else in my circumstances. Why is taking your own advice so difficult? Do I really think that I am super woman? I know I am not. What I know right now is that I am getting too little sleep, I am not nourishing my body well, and I am just muscling through the day as best I can. Most days I feel fine. I wonder when the flames at both ends of the candlestick are going to meet in the middle and consume my life.

So I am aware. That’s something at least. I will breathe in this moment and step back, track the time, make the adjustments that need to be made.

I discovered some new music this week.

Seryn

and then this new single is just released

there is something about the sound, the lyrics, that just tugs on my soul.

and one more just because I love them . . .

 

My husband and I got to see an advanced showing of Get on Up, the movie about James Brown. I left wanting to listen to all the James Brown music, read more about James Brown, learn more about the actor who played him. Great movie.

 

Good things

  • Art journaling date with the grandson
  • sitting on the couch, watching the movie that my husband and I saw on our first date. Any guesses to what the movie was?
  • early celebration of my oldest daughter’s birthday with lemon icebox pie. yum.
  • my mother in law is making progress and has been transferred from the rehabilitation center to an assisted living home
  • my brother made it through a heart procedure this week with good news
  • sacred conversations. It’s a beautiful thing to believe in someone and to be believed in
  • drawing in circles
  • anticipation of meeting kindreds face to face
  • unspeakable things that are just too good, too beautiful, to taint with the effort to find words

 

I’ve been lost in a sea of trying to grasp my time. I realize that I need to allow my planning process to evolve to meet my needs in this moment. Nothing good comes of holding on to something when it isn’t serving you as well as it once did even if it was wonderful once. My exploration has led me to meshing together several ways of tracking my time and capturing my thoughts and ideas.

For the past year, Right Brain Planning is the core of inspiration for me. That will continue because there is so much permission and freedom packed into the pages and snippets of words. I am adding a visual way of tracking my time with Spiraldex. ( being especially fond of spirals, I let out a little SQUEEE when I found this) Here is the image that I downloaded and have put into my journal. I am merging this with my own version of bullet journaling and hobonichi style in this journal that I just picked up. I know it sounds like too much, all the things, but actually, these are all just ways of describing the method of planning and recording my days that are already part of my creative practice and also the way that I am allowing it to evolve. It’s all much more simple than it has ever been.

As for this morning, I have a very patient help grandson waiting behind me to make pumpkin muffins. Until next time . . . 

 


I’d love for you to join me in reflecting on your week.

We could truly make this a collective.

You can replicate my format or use your own.

There are no rules. Just sharing together.

If you’d like to play along, feel free to save one or both of the images below to use in your postings.

Of course, please comment with a link back to your post …

OR try my new Mr. Linky widget … 

OR if you don’t have your own blog, leave your Scattered Life capture here as a comment.

Timeline_Cover_doNotRename58             Timeline_Cover_doNotRename58


 


An Unapologetic | Give me Something to Believe in

I didn’t want to choose to walk away.

I didn’t want to lose my faith.

I didn’t want to take one more step in a direction away from believing in God, from the surety of salvation, from belonging to the club of Christian identity.

When I saw the direction I was heading, I would plant my feet in the ground, cling with bloody hands to the door that was closing behind me, turn, stumble, and fall in the mud, sobbing.

On the other side of that door, I was dying. Every time I stood up and asked my questions, formed the words of doubt, I was knocked back down into my place, beaten over and over with the infallible word of God.

Still, I didn’t want to choose to walk away from the only thing I knew, from the protection, the provision. I didn’t know how I would survive out there in the big world with no faith, with nothing to believe. Then again, I didn’t know how I would survive if I stayed.

So I chose to leave.

I chose to walk so far down that road that I would lose my way back. I chose unbelief.

If you ask me now, I would tell you that I am not an atheist … but I am … but I’m not.

I want to believe in something. I want mystery and magic and miracles. I want liturgy and rituals. I want incantations disguised as prayers. I want a common worship experience. I want mystical faith in something that I cannot see.

I took my grandsons to see the movie Epic this week.

 

 

Several times during the movie the line was spoken, “just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it’s not there.” During the closing credits, my heart ached with wanting to believe … in something … even if it’s tiny leaf men and talking slugs and wood fairies. Something. Give me something to believe in.

Weirdly I am feeling like this is something to apologize for. As if I should feel sorry and ashamed for seeking mystical faith. 

Why does it have to be either … or … ?

Why do I have to believe or not believe?

Why can’t I dance somewhere in the middle of nothing and one and all things to believe?

 


button 1 Kim and I are long-time friends, soul sisters, anam cara. We have traveled similar paths for many years, pushing and pulling each other through the twists and turns of life. In our respective journeys out of the religion that defined each of us, we have stumbled forward, hacking through the brambles, creating different paths, new ways to live. We have lost much but gained more.

In this weekly series, An Unapologetic, we are showing up to share openly the process of putting flesh to the bones of our spirit. We both realize that what we have turned our faces toward is not easily definable, not readily labeled, not systematically defensible as our religion was. If apologetics is the discipline of defending a position (often religious) through the systematic use of information then An Unapologetic is surrendering to intuitive truth through the expression of a sacred feminine voice.

Follow along as Kim and I explore this idea of creating An Unapologetic. Share your thoughts with us in our comments section, add yourself to the Mr. Linky, and link back here so we can discuss this together.

What are you declaring today? What is your intuitive truth? What is your sacred feminine voice saying?


just beyond the horizon

“O the joy of my spirit–it is uncaged–it darts like lightning!
It is not enough to have this globe or a certain time,
I will have thousands of globes and all time.”

Walt Whitman

thousands of globes

the first clue of an infinite life

lies just beyond the horizon

endlessly

faithfully the sun greets the day

gliding from one stratum to the next

faithfully the moon follows

beckoning

inviting

Come, go with me now

into the night

to the infinite

that lies just beyond the horizon

that lies within my own soul

I am unbound, released, uncaged

this world is mine

A thousand moments in a lifetime

A lifetime in one moment

endlessly

the dark and I play tag with the light

Can’t catch me now

I am hiding

in the infinite

just beyond the horizon

Touchstone : Wrangling Inconsistent Photos

About that post title: 

I have spent far too long wrangling photos into this post. 

The problem may be that I just don’t know what I am doing

but I write my post, I insert photos, I write more,

and the preview shoes me a hot mess. 

Nothing is where I want it or where it looks like it is from my editor. 

None of this is pertinent to the post itself except that Wrangling Inconsistent Photos

was a pithy way of expressing my frustration 

and play with the them of 

WIP

20140721_070738

painting for short times on few days. The rainy gloomy weather does not give me enough light at my studio space. But I fiercely continue to paint.

the next collection of spiritspeak will be making it’s way to the world next Monday. Sign up to receive first access to the limited supply.

it’s time to write next month’s article for Creative Sacred Living. I think I will be exploring the practice of being tenacious. 

guess what? I wrote a letter to my son last week. I have two more letters that I would like to write this week. 

two weeks ago for wordless wednesday, I posted a photo of the stacks of boxes in my dining room. It’s time to start sorting through the stuff. 

my eyes need some attention. so do my teeth. my entire body needs a check up. I am on a quest to find a physician. ugh. 

my reading life has been sluggish lately. making time this week to just read for the pleasure of it. 

I haven’t seen my mother-in-law since before my own mother died. It’s time to check in with her. 

my oldest daughter turns thirty this year. We’ll be celebrating a bit early but celebrate we will. Milestones are important. 

 


As I mentioned above, the next collection of spiritspeak journals will be releasing next Monday.

20140720_102602I am creating them with a theme of fragile and fierce.

Having themes for each collection is a new direction for the journals that feels wonderful and true to my soul.


174

 

Most of my creating, journaling, processing has been happening in my Into the Dark Night journal.

IMG_20140721_070850

 

 Where my lady companion shows up to guide me

20140721_071036

 

 along with words from Adrienne Rich

20140721_070958

 

 The questions have been

How dark is too dark

How dead is too dead

But I am not dead

I am finding life in the dark

for the first time

20140721_071338

Am I dead? Far from it. ~~The Matrix

This is what I know.

I can only be me.

Dark and Twisty

Making Messy Mistakes

bathing myself in grace

get better at being you

the scattered life collective

Timeline_Cover_doNotRename58

State of Being 

I am shredded, there are not even pieces laying in the rubble, pieces of me waiting to be put together. No. I am shredded. Strangely, I feel whole, complete. I may be stumbling around in the dark but I know where I am going. The dichotomy, the paradox, the grief and the life that is part of every moment of every day right now feels like the best place that I could be. I am scared and I am brave. I am fierce and I am gentle. My body aches and my mind plunders through the past, searching for answers. But I am here. I am showing up. Even if it is just a small way on any particular day, I am showing up to my life. Eventually, there is the realization that we must ten to the living now. Tend to the living. Give attention to the living. Living is all we have.

 

Reading:

The Gift: Creativity and the Artist n the Modern World by Lewis Hyde
gift

the spirit of an artist’s gifts can wake our own.

Listening:

Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?

I have
I am fucking crazy
But I am free

The Ride by Lana del Rey

 

Watching: 

Malificent - I have seen this movie three times and each time I am finding layers of meaning. 

 

Good Things

      • continuing therapy
      • understanding and practicing assertiveness
      • considering applying for a job and discovering (again) what my true calling is
      • secret messages from movies
      • Blue Moon Pale Ale with a slice of orange
      • sinking into deep trust for my process 
      • aching legs feeling not quite so achy
      • experiencing the layers of truth within storytelling
      • anticipation of time away

Round and About

sweet treat

Oh birdsong

Body Love

Before and After

On Creating

There are memories inside of me of things that haven’t happened yet

Are you thirsty?

The Art of Chasing a Dream

July issue of Creative Sacred Living magazine is available with the debut of my column, An Authentic Howl

 

Listen, Let Me Whisper in your Ear

 

quotescover-JPG-98


I’d love for you to join me in reflecting on your week.
We could truly make this a collective.
You can replicate my format or use your own.
There are no rules. Just sharing together.

If you’d like to play along, feel free to save one or both of the images below to use in your postings.
Of course, please comment with a link back to your post …
OR try my new Mr. Linky widget … 

OR if you don’t have your own blog, leave your Scattered Life capture here as a comment.

Timeline_Cover_doNotRename58             Timeline_Cover_doNotRename58



An Unapologetic | Returning to Faith

I posted on Facebook that today I would be writing about returning to faith … or not.

It was a sentence typed out in the dark of the theater as I used the last few moments before the previews started to listen to this podcast. on doubt and faith. Krista Tippet and Christian Wiman kept using the phrase, “returning to faith”,  and I felt my spine stiffen with resistance. The walls came up and I haven’t been able to return to the podcast yet so I can’t really speak to the meaning, connotation, or intention that either of them applied to faith.

There is something here that I need to explore for myself. That’s why I challenged myself to begin today with looking within these walls, asking my defenses to soften, to consider the role of faith in my past, present, and future.

I don’t have fond words to describe my faith from childhood into adulthood and through the majority of my married and parenting life. Toxic and oppressive adequately fit. I extricated myself from my faith a few years ago. Shards remain within. Thus this series of finding words to define what it is that I believe. I have had enough of saying what I don’t believe and why. I am more interested in expressing what I do believe and why.

The physical reaction I had to the idea of returning to faith was interestingly familiar.

There was another time in my life when my spine would stiffen, when the walls would be constructed. Fear would creep into my heart. I was taught to resist the false teacher, to protect myself from any way which was not the way of Jesus, allow no room for consideration for my heart was wicked above all things and I was easily deceived.

When I walked away from my Christian faith, I did so with all intention of living my life in a different way. I refuse to be evangelical about anything even my atheistic leaning agnosticism. I try my best to be gracious and understanding of those who still find true meaning, joy, and peace within the tenets of Christianity. I want to offer back to those of my former faith what I don’t feel I offered to those on this side of the wall.

Yet here I am now shutting down the possibility of faith in my life. Fear has crept in a bit. I am tempted to close my ears, shut my eyes, and say, “I have found my way and I don’t need anyone confusing me with their version of truth.”

But I’ve been there before.

And I don’t want to be there again.

Which means that I have to entertain the possibility of returning to faith and whatever that means … or not.

Obviously, there is no conclusion to this post. I can only say to stay tuned.


button 1 Kim and I are long-time friends, soul sisters, anam cara. We have traveled similar paths for many years, pushing and pulling each other through the twists and turns of life. In our respective journeys out of the religion that defined each of us, we have stumbled forward, hacking through the brambles, creating different paths, new ways to live. We have lost much but gained more.

In this weekly series, An Unapologetic, we are showing up to share openly the process of putting flesh to the bones of our spirit. We both realize that what we have turned our faces toward is not easily definable, not readily labeled, not systematically defensible as our religion was. If apologetics is the discipline of defending a position (often religious) through the systematic use of information then An Unapologetic is surrendering to intuitive truth through the expression of a sacred feminine voice.

Follow along as Kim and I explore this idea of creating An Unapologetic. Share your thoughts with us in our comments section, add yourself to the Mr. Linky, and link back here so we can discuss this together.

What are you declaring today? What is your intuitive truth? What is your sacred feminine voice saying?


life is not linear

remembrance

We describe life as being on a journey

 taking a path

 following a way

as if we can input our here and our there

into life’s navigational system

to receive back step by step directions

to follow

even the detours are scripted

life is not linear

it needs revisiting from time to time

circle back

remember

sift and sort

bring forward what you need to progress

leave behind what needs to stay in the past

repeat often

life isn’t all forward motion

instead it is layers of spiraling

back and forth

inward and outward

an ever expanding mobius strip